Wednesday, 11 April 2007

Smokers save you money

I want to start by thanking all the employees at my job who smoke. These poor suckers smokers take on average 15-20 minutes out of their work day to enjoy a slow suicide. And they get paid for the pleasure.

So how can this make me money?

I get up to one hour unpaid lunch break everyday, but it is up to me to decide how much of that hour I take. To maximize my daily earnings I have been taking 15 minute lunches. Some people need more time than this, but I find any break longer than 20 minutes tedious. However, these 15 minute lunches still are unpaid.

This is an injustice, you get paid to smoke on the job but not to eat. Instead of clocking out for lunch, I will take the smoking time that I deserve and use that time to eat my non-carcinogenic lunch.

I get paid £10/hour. On a normal day I will make £70. By using my allocated smoking time to eat I will earn £80 in a day. That's £10 extra a day!

But wait, what if I get into work a 1/2 hour before my shift starts. Not only does this show your boss that you are committed to your job, but it also allows you to settle into your day in a more relaxed way. To top it off, leaving for work just 15 minutes earlier than usual can drastically cut down of the amount of time you're stuck in traffic. If I leave at 8:30am I won't get to work until 9:00. However, if I leave at 8:15 I'll be at work by 8:30!

By getting into work at 8:30 and using my allocated smoking time to eat lunch i am adding £15 to my daily earnings. That's £75 more a week. That's £300 more a month.

So yes. Thank you for smoking.